My Husband Wasn’t (Isn’t!) My Soulmate

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Did I get you with the title? My husband and I are still together, almost married three years, together for almost 8, and happy. Now, to the title. I don’t believe in soulmates. I don’t believe that there are people out there that are 100% perfect for you. No one is perfect and perpetuating some romanticized idea of perfection just sets people up for disappointment, and possibly, divorce.

soulmate

I believe that the proximity theory hugely plays into who we fall for and who we choose to keep close to us. I believe that some people fall into the romanticized version of soulmates and try to force something that might not fit completely or correctly. This is why so many people are unhappy in some relationship they are in, friend or romantic.

When my husband and I met and started dating he was in school for pre-law and I was working in banking. He was set on his future career and I wanted to advance with the bank I was with. Eventually, he opened up to me and said he was wanting to be more involved in theatre but wasn’t sure how. I was wanting to be more involved with marketing but wasn’t sure. Eventually, we decided to take a break, I encouraged him to audition for a production at a local theatre, and I looked into marketing internships.

We stayed in contact over the year we were not dating and occasionally saw each other. He was on his second show at the local theatre and I was a few months into my first marketing internship. Then, one day my sister was in town and I invited my now husband to come out with us, and, well, here we are.

My husband eventually changed his degree to theatre and I became more involved with marketing and event planning. We found our passions and there was not this random unhappiness that we were taking out on each other unintentionally.

But, back to the soulmate thing. I don’t think soul mates exist organically. I think they are made. That the trials and triumphs we experience with another person and the way we grow and go through it helps make not only us who we are but the bonds needed to make someone our soul mate.

For example, so you don’t think I am 100% cynical:

When my husband and I were in the hospital after our son was born I never felt more distant from him than I did in that week. There were issues during delivery and postpartum that resulted in my son and I staying in lovely hospital accommodations for that week. I felt alone and my PPD started showing. I didn’t want to vocalize how I was feeling so I internalized all of that negativity.

This eventually resulted in us both being unhappy and bringing up separation. After talking it out and realizing we did want to try working through things. The issue was we weren’t working with each other for anything. It was a constant battle to do the most, or be the most involved, cooks the most, constantly clean, whatever it may be.

Then separation came up again.

And we chose each other again. We began taking time for ourselves again. Individually and together without our son. Once we realized that asking for alone time, whatever that meant, wasn’t selfish it made an enormous difference. At the end of the day we needed to be comfortable with ourselves as individuals and as a couple. We found an app for couples that is basically like online therapy. It asks questions and you can take quizzes that you can then discuss with your partner.

Being able to feel like I’m not just a mom or just a wife, but me again has done wonders for my mental health and us as a couple. No one is perfect. No one is perfect for each other. Even with therapy and time. But, having open communication in relation to happiness and life in general means someone can understand your soul. And that is what we should all strive for in all our relationships. Friendships, family, romantic relationships, work, whatever. Understanding the basis of someone and their hopes, dreams, and history is monumental in continuing a fruitful and meaningful relationship with them.

That’s why my husband wasn’t and isn’t my soulmate. But. He understands me at a deeper level than when we first met and my love and admiration for him have grown constantly. I don’t focus on the big moments. Yes, him proposing, our wedding, our son being born, and all of those other relationship milestones are important to our history. But the first time he gave our son a bath means a lot to me. Or the first time he did bedtime alone. Or the first time he vacuumed and mopped without me asking. Or anything that makes our relationship inherently better is what matters to me.

We both stopped worrying about what others think of us in all aspects. As parents, as a couple, professionally, personally, everything. We only care what we think of each other and address it together, openly.

So, no. I don’t believe my husband is my soulmate. I believe he is an amazing father who tries really hard to keep being an amazing dad. He’s a thoughtful partner who recognizes when I’ve hit my limit and offers help or just does before I need to explode from stress. He’s a good son. Tries to be a good brother and brother-in-law. And, honestly, those things mean more to me than knowing he’s some theoretical perfect match. Because he makes my heart happy and my mind calm. If that isn’t what we should all aspire to as hopeless romantic teens, then I don’t know what we should tell our kids.

I’ll leave you with a soulmate quote I can get behind, you know, just replace soulmate with “in love” or something.

“When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.”

-Pam, The. Office

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