Breath Holding Spells. Ever heard of them? Yeah, I hadn’t either. Until it happened. Here is my story…
Hearing your child cry for the first time, in my opinion, is one of the greatest moments a parent can ever experience. I still remember the day like it was yesterday and thank my lucky stars that I had a pretty easy labor…compared to some stories that I hear. I remember my nurse giving instructions and telling whomever else was in there to go ahead and get the labor team in place and to call the doctor in. I remember the doctor asking me to push and then within a few minutes: the most beautiful sound to my ears: our daughter’s first cry. I couldn’t cry myself because I was way too excited…and a little bit nervous because they asked my husband to cut the cord – I had never seen his hand shake the way it was!!! It was definitely a day we will never forget.
Fast forward to a few months into the craziest, most exhausting, most rewarding time of our lives. We loved every single minute with that little girl. We cherished every little coo, every little cough, every little gas pain smile/frown. I’m guessing most parents go through this but we were so excited to actually be the ones that got to experience it.
It wasn’t until a few months into this bliss that our world stopped.
I remember it so clearly.
And I’m 100% sure my husband does too.
It was in the evening. We were in the living room watching tv, enjoying a quiet night altogether. I’m not sure if she had a gas pain or she was just overly tired and ready for bed. But she started crying. It started out as a normal cry but then all of the sudden, it turned into more than just a cry.
She began holding her breath and gasping for air.
I had had her in my arms and was trying to soothe her and sway back and forth but she wasn’t having it. I remember her looking at me and it seemed like she was saying “Mommy, help me!” She was so scared and trying so hard to catch her breath.
I remember my husband over my shoulder shouting,
“Nugget! Nugget!!! BREATHE!!! Camila!!! BREATHE!!!!!”
We were shaking her, patting her back and chest and had her under a fan and trying to get her to come out of it but her face was completely blue and purple from not breathing. Then all of a sudden, her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she passed out.
My nerves were already shot but those next few seconds of waiting to see if she was going to wake up were the scariest seconds of my life.
What seemed like a lifetime to us in reality was only a few seconds, her eyes fluttered open, she took a deep breath, looked around and acted like nothing had just happened. I gave her to my husband and began to cry myself. I had never been so scared in my entire life.
Immediately the mom-guilt sank in
and I began beating myself up.
I’ve had my CPR certification for years, why didn’t I use some of those skills? Should we take her to the ER? How could something like this happen to MY daughter? Am I not a good enough mother to prevent something like that? By this time, my poor husband was having to console me and consoling our daughter, who was happily cooing away. After I had finally calmed down, we talked and decided that we needed to visit with her doctor and get some answers.
The day after her “episode”was spent on Google – which is never a safe a place when looking for medical advice. I had questions prepared for seizures and pediatric brain tumors (yes, I was THAT Mom). As we told her doctor about the traumatizing event, she just kept nodding her head and at this point, I’m thinking to myself, “Why is she not more concerned?” and “Is she even listening to us??”
And then the answer came “Its completely normal!”
At first, it didn’t really sink in. I wasn’t really sure if I had actually heard correctly.
This is normal? She explained that while its rare, it does happen and that she’d eventually grow out of it. “What?!?”, I thought. “This is going to happen again??” We asked questions and she answered but she assured us that she would be perfectly fine. We left feeling better than when we had arrived but we were still unsettled about the whole situation. The next time I had a chance, Google was my best friend but this time I had a name for her condition: Breath Holding Spells. I read and learned as much as I possibly could but at the end of the day, there is nothing that any mom or dad can do but let it happen.
According to merckmanuals.com, a breath holding spell is basically an uncontrollable episode in which the child loses consciousness for a short time because of a frightening or painful experience. They can last until the child is at least 5 years old but there have been cases in which they have lasted longer. So as parents, we kind of just have to “go with the flow” and take one episode at a time. Our daughter is now 13 months old and we deal with a “purple cry” at least twice a week. We’ve learned that her “ frightening” or “ painful” experience can be that she’s over-tired, hungry or gassy. We never know when it’s going to happen but when it does, we are there to catch her. We try our best to distract her but in the end, she can’t control it and it happens. I’ve always been a girl that said, “When I have kids (insert something that ALL kids do and no mom can get away from it) because my kids won’t be like that.” Well I can assure you, if they want or can do something, THEY WILL DO IT! Luckily, she hasn’t done it in public yet but when it comes up to other parents or even just family, everyone has an opinion on how to handle it. Until they actually see it happen. Yes, its scary and seems a little dramatic. Yes, she will be fine. And most importantly, yes, I do care. It scares me every single time it happens. My heart drops and every time, I’m thinking to myself, “Is this going to be the one time she doesn’t wake up?” and it is the most nerve wrecking few seconds. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. But every time, I have to just believe and know that it will all be ok. One of these days (preferably sooner rather than later), it will be her last purple cry and she will have grown out of it. Until then, we will cherish and enjoy every single laugh and smile that we can possibly get.
I know at some point it will happen somewhere other than at home and bystanders are going to judge because that is something that happens in our culture. I’m guilty of it myself. They are going think she is throwing a tantrum or that she is spoiled. But now as a mom that has actually dealt with it, I am definitely more empathetic towards mamas struggling. So my fellow moms, if you feel like you’re going through something similar, don’t be afraid to ask questions. And definitely do not feel like you are alone. Because you’re not and there’s a whole community of moms who are here to support you!
