Games Moms Play: The Parent Olympics

The 2016 Summer Olympic Games in Rio have come to a close. Many of us have spent recent days questioning our very existence.

Michael Phelps has twenty-three gold medals. How many do you have? (The answer is zero.)

A 19-year-old is being recognized as one of the world’s greatest gymnasts, doing stunts no one else in the sport can match. You on the other hand are 32-years-old and can’t even make yourself get up without hitting the snooze button five times.

Well, it’s time to put things in perspective. No, you can’t run a mile in under five minutes. And teaching your kid to doggie paddle in the backyard pool isn’t exactly the pinnacle of Olympic training. But we win gold every day just by surviving that kindergarten PTA performance or getting all four kids to bed by 8:00.

So this Labor Day, as your looking for things to do, imagine your life is an Olympic event. I’m pretty sure we would be dominating.

The Lego Long Jump

Event Summary:

Distance jumped should be measured from the running starting point and end, once the competitor’s feet have made contact with the floor on the opposite end of the Lego pile.

Deductions: 

• One-tenth deduction for each Lego skimmed
• Half a point deduction for full-on foot-to-Lego contact
• Full point deduction for every swear word shouted during event
• Waking up sleeping children leads to disqualification

100 Meter Dash to the Wine Bottle

Event Summary:

Runners must start at the starting blocks and assume set position. On the signal, runners will stay in assigned lanes and sprint to the refrigerator. A winner will be declared once a competitor reaches the refrigerator door.

Deductions: 

• One-sixth deduction for crossing into another runner’s lane
• Two-thirds deduction for any physical contact made to another runner
• Full point deduction for falling mid-race due to prior intoxication
• Throwing up and crying in the bathtub leads to disqualification

 Synchronized Diving Into Bed

Event Summary:

The two competitors must assume the starting position and have an identical approach, take off, angle, and entry time into the bed.

Deductions: 

• Half a point deduction for partner tripping over miscellaneous children’s toy
• Full point deduction for too loud an entry
• Waking up children already snuggled in the bed leads to disqualification

The Shopping Triathlon

Event Summary:

Shopper and family must visit three stores successfully in quick succession. Shopper with fastest overall time wins.

Deductions:  

• Three-fourths deduction every time a child has to go to the restroom
• Full point deduction for each forgotten item
• Losing a child for longer than five minutes leads to disqualification

So while we don’t get the glory for winning the gold in our everyday lives, recognize that even the smallest success is a victory. Because let’s face it, our whole life is a balance beam.