When Breastfeeding Doesn’t Go As Planned

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breastfeeding doesn't always go as planned, Corpus Christi, coastal bend moms

When I was pregnant, one of the things I was most nervous about was breastfeeding.

I wanted to make sure I was doing it right, because I wanted the best for my baby. I didn’t want to be that terrible mother who was selfish, and couldn’t do what was supposed to come naturally, according to the hard-core breastfeeding-is-best crowd. 

I read about potential breastfeeding difficulties and how important it was to ask for help. I bookmarked tricks and tips to help my supply. I practiced all the different ways to hold a breastfeeding baby with a stuffed Snoopy doll. I had a plan and was ready. (BTW: Snoopy never had any breastfeeding problems.)

When my son was placed on my breast for the first time, I was awestruck at how he seemed to know instinctively what to do, and how my body instinctively reacted.  That was the first and last time that happened. 

Breastfeeding doesn’t always go as planned.

The next feeding, a nurse had to help me get him latched on properly. No biggie. But from then on, he would latch on briefly, then he was off again. This went on the entire time I was in the hospital (I had a c-section due to him being breech.) I asked for a lactation specialist to help me. She came, didn’t say hardly anything, got him on my breast and left. The nurses did the same. They didn’t try to explain why we were having trouble. 

The afternoon we were ready to go home was the first time I had to give my baby a bottle of formula to supplement him, as he was not getting enough from my breasts. I was devastated and cried and cried, on what should have been a joyous day. 

Over the next few days, more of the same – attempts to get him to breast feed, mild success, but giving him formula to make sure he was getting enough. I reached out to private lactation specialists to try and get some help at home. No response. 

My husband’s friend – a tattooed biker guy with a foot long beard – was the first to mention using nipple shields. His girlfriend had to use them while nursing their son. Why, why, wtf was I just now hearing about these?

They helped for a bit. My son was getting more from my breasts, but still needing formula as well. 

Breastfeeding doesn’t always go as planned.

Fatigue and postpartum depression set in. I started pumping and adding breastmilk to the formula bottles. That worked for a while, but eventually my supply began decreasing. I also got mastitis in one breast, which was incredibly painful. Four months after my son was born, I quit trying to breastfeed or supplement with breast milk and switched him over to formula full time. 

Even now, as I write this five years later, all those feelings of not being able to successfully breastfeed come bubbling up: sadness, guilt, anger, shame, failure. 

Breastfeeding doesn’t always go as planned.

It took time for me to accept that I couldn’t change anything. I know I tried like all get out, and I did the best I could. Looking back, I wish I had come to these realizations earlier, so I could have focused on more on enjoying my baby instead of crying and beating myself up. I wish I hadn’t let the mom-shamers into my head.

Today, my five year old child is healthy, happy and smart. The fires of hell didn’t rain down on me the day I quit for good. My husband was extremely loving and supportive the entire time, trying to help me. My family and friends didn’t judge, at least not to my face 😉 

Since then, I’ve made it a point to tell any of my friends who have a baby on the way, it’s ok if you can’t or don’t want to breastfeed. Yes, breastfeeding has tremendous benefits. But it’s not the end-all be-all. Being a happy mom and relishing the short time you have an infant are the most important things. As long as your baby is getting the care, nourishment and love he needs, don’t let anyone make you feel like a bad mom. Be kind to yourself, hug your baby and don’t let the mom shamers win. 

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