I have a terrible parenting admission to make. It’s something that I can no longer keep to myself. Something that has been bothering me for awhile, but I finally have to come clean.
I HATE LEGOS.
I feel so UN-American, like such a horrible parent, but I REALLY do hate them. I think they are the work of the devil. I mean, sure they can keep a child occupied for hours so mommy can have some free time, and sure they teach children how to problem solve, how to use their imaginations and can even set the stage for future architects or engineers. But, in my house, those evil multi-colored bits and pieces cause a multitude of problems.
One would think that I would welcome them into my home with open arms since I never had any growing up. My mom wouldn’t let me have them. I watched as cousins and friends got them for birthdays, Christmas, or just because presents and dreamt of the day I would get to open a set of my own. But birthdays and Christmases passed and my life was still void of Legos. *sigh*.
I was so mistreated. Ha! I used to resent my mom; tell her that she had ruined my future. That my lack of this childhood toy staple is what kept me from being the next Frank Lloyd Wright or some well paid engineer (I won’t mention to her that my lack of math, drawing and problem solving skills could have played a part in that, however). She tried making it up to me on my 15th birthday and finally got me a set. Too late. Those crucial brain developmental years were behind me, not to mention the fact that I was into “cool” stuff like boys, makeup, and shopping by then. But, it wasn’t until I had my own children that I realized my mom was not some cruel toy depriving monster, but actually the SMARTEST. MOM. EVER!
Think about it, she didn’t have to put up with any of the negative effects of having Legos.
- STORAGE -Plastic bin or box? Lego table? The box they came in? A whole glorious room dedicated just to them? The options are endless and exhausting to even think about.
- BREAKING -This is a big one for us. My 6 year old has the patience of a gnat (or some other creature that has ZERO patience), so cue the ear piercing screams when the stupid Spider Man, Ninja Turtle, Star Wars, Jurassic World or whatever vehicle breaks as he is playing with it. (You can play with them right? Or are you just supposed to set it on a shelf and admire it once you have tediously built the dumb thing? I’m not privy to Lego etiquette, remember?) I’ve heard of people gluing them as they build so it won’t break, but PUH-LEASE, ain’t nobody got time for that! I’m doing good if I can just get the pieces together (I was “blessed” with big, clumsy hands), without the thought of a huge gluey mess. NO, just NO!
- MISSING PARTS-Raise your hand if you have ever found those little suckers in random places (in the couch or laundry, inside a boot, heck, even your little one’s dirty diaper!) I know I’m not the only one. Some days it’s like the God Lord has rained down Legos in my home. They are EVERYWHERE! (Except, when you need that ONE piece to complete that one particular stupid project) Upstairs, downstairs, outside and everywhere in between. Don’t tell my kids, but I have gotten to the point where I throw the stragglers away instead of hunting down the box they go in. This is the reason our Darth Vader guy has to wear the Batman ears instead of his helmet/mask thingy. (My apologies, George Lucas).
And for the last and most horrible, awful, terrible reason I hate Legos….drum roll please.
- INJURY-You, know what I am talking about. It’s the middle of the night, you get up to go to the restroom, you’re still half asleep and *BAM* you step on one. It drops you into the fetal position, you fade in and out of consciousness, trying not to walk towards “the light,” yelling obscenities once you do regain consciousness, all while trying not to wake up your household, let alone the WHOLE neighborhood. Short story, it hurts like a mother trucker! And, it sticks with ya for a few days too. It’s the gift that keeps on giving as you limp around, rehashing that fateful moment over and over again with every step. Ouch! I now do the “Lego shuffle” when I have to walk in the dark. I may be full of static electricity, but by golly I won’t be maiming myself with a Lego again!
I’m sure, in the end, this is all just a venting session and wasted breath because I’ll still allow my boys to collect Legos but, if you aren’t a parent yet or your babies aren’t old enough for Legos, don’t say I didn’t warn you!
***Legal Notice: To the Lego manufacturer, please do not sue me for slander as I no longer have any money due to the fact I have spent too much of it on your overpriced
spawns of Satan lovely toys.