I can remember so clearly the day my daughter was born. There was nothing in the world I wanted more. My very own baby… gorgeous, perfect and amazing all in one.
I was only a few days postpartum when I knew something wasn’t exactly right.
We were taking my daughter’s newborn pictures at the hospital and I just started to cry. I’m not talking like a shed a few tears. This was a full blown bawling session. I blew it off and thought it was just my hormones, I mean I just had a baby 27 hours prior to that! I talked to my mom about it and she agreed that this was completely normal. She called it the baby blues. I was ok! I knew I would be just fine.
When the day came for me to go home, my mind was racing. What am I going to do with this brand new baby all by myself? I had never felt so alone with a room full of people willing to help.
The day we got home was like any other day. I laid my newborn baby girl down and just looked out the window and cried. I wanted my life to be back to normal and I wanted it to be back NOW! Everyday my mom and mother in law would come over to help with the baby, cooking, cleaning, tending to my every single need.
I felt like every day I was getting worse. I’d cry for a little longer every day.
I wouldn’t sleep because I was so afraid my daughter was going to stop breathing the moment I fell asleep. The day I knew I needed to seek some kind of help was when it was just my mom and me at home. I was crying uncontrollably. She kept telling me everything would be alright, but I knew it wouldn’t be.
The next day, I went to visit my doctor. That’s when I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD.)
Postpartum Depression is suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue. I was all of those combined into one!
I was so embarrassed to talk about it with anyone. How could this be happening to me? Why me? What did I do wrong? I finally came to the realization that I needed to do something. Possibly get back to my normal routine? Talk to someone? I finally found a Facebook page with mamas who were going through the same thing. Then I knew I wasn’t alone. There were women who were feeling or had felt the same way I was feeling. I remember one mama telling me, “this will pass. Give it some time!” And she was right. One day, it just did. I went one with my life and now I can talk about it.