I am the type of person who likes to be involved in “all of the things”. And I really mean it.
But as I get older (and I’d like to think wiser) – this was actually hurting my marriage.
So I started to take a step back.
I have been married for 23 years (together for 27 years) and our relationship has evolved and adapted over the years. We have survived professional highs and lows, near death medical issues, law suits (yes multiple), all stages of child rearing and owning a successful business together.
THE CHILD YEARS
I can honestly say – this time in our lives was when I started taking on all of the kids’ things – and I enjoyed it. I liked signing them up for sports, learning how to do pinterest things for the kids and their friends, even learning new recipes for family sit down dinners. [for a time – I was a SAHM and wanted to do all the things from scratch].
But I must also admit – this was where I went wrong. I took on all the things and I didn’t ask for help. Instead I expected him to know I needed/wanted help. So I buried IT and started adding to a little place inside me.
As the kids got older, and I did more things – I kept adding to IT.
Now, before anyone starts bashing my husband – he did do his share of things – that is not what this post is about. It’s about me as a new mom – not expressing my needs and wants properly. He honestly had no idea.
OWNING A BUSINESS
Skip forward about 10 year – and we decided to run a small business together. When we first started – I was a teacher – so I only helped in the background doing the numbers. After I resigned and worked the business full time – I added more and more to my plate. AGAIN, because I wanted to. I really enjoyed learning new aspects of the business – plus, as a business owner, you really need to know how to do all of the things in order or hire people and know if someone is taking advantage of you.
Everytime I added more things to my plate locally – my husband would take on additional aspects of our business outside the day to day operations (more from a global standpoint). Inadvertently both of us – started to add more ITs to that secret place inside of us.
Our communication started to break down. But we were successful – so we kinda ignored it.
FRIEND GROUPS
When I left teaching – I felt like I lost a part of me – especially my friend group. So I started to join organizations that helped me with the business and helped me give back to the community. I even started playing tennis regularly [I also wrote about my tennis journey].
Within professional organizations – I started to get more involved even upheld titles like Vice President, Board of Directors and Treasurer. I was also playing or doing something tennis related several days a week. Which I also loved.
BURNOUT
So – as you can imagine – I spread myself too thin. I was giving my all to my kids, my business, my organizations and my friends and I ignored the person I never should have ignored.
I had barely anything left to give him. We never went on vacation — we went out of town a lot – but it was always tied to work. And our marriage suffered.
I am not taking all of the blame and I am not placing all of the blame on my husband – I think we both let it happen and we both felt disrespected and undervalued.
So – after a lot of hurt feelings and lonely nights – my husband and I finally started to communicate properly.
STEP BACK
As a result – I started to STEP BACK from my friends and organizations. This was hard for me – because I do not like to let people down. For reference, my love language is acts of service.
I know this action of “saying no” to my friends and organizations was hurtful to some – but this was important for our marriage.
When I started to step back – my husband and I started to reconnect both as friends and as lovers. It wasn’t an overnight thing – it has actually taken several months. We are still not perfect but we are better that we were and that means so much to me.
One way we kicked off this new and improved relationship of ours – was a three day vacation to the Texas wine country. We did not tie it to a business training event – we did not answer calls about business (unless it was an emergency) – we did not get on computers to work. We just hung out together. We climbed Enchanted Rock, we visited a winery, we ate amazing food and we took naps. (side note – the naps were amazing).
And most importantly – we talked! We talked about nothing, we talked about us, we talked about the past, we reminisced and we fell back in love.
I love my friends and I love my husband. But sometimes – it’s ok to say “no” and step back.
After the awesome experience in Fredericksburg, TX – we decided to take one of our bucket list trips to the Northeast. Stay tuned – for my next piece from our trip to see the leaves changing near a harbor in Maine.
To read more about Darcy and Louie’s journey, check out this great post from the archives!
