We were headed out and I was getting ready. I stood in front of my closet hating myself and the fact that only 25% of the clothes in that closet actually fit. I knew what ever I picked I would hate. I shooed my kids out of the room because I did not want them to see me struggling to fit my too small pants on. I refused to buy new pants because I refused to admit that they were too small. I got the pants on, steered clear of the mirror and headed out the door.
Out and about that day I took half a dozen pictures of my beautiful children. I even threw my husband in for one, but I never once handed my camera over to anyone else. I stayed safely behind the excuse that I was taking the pics. When in reality I just couldn’t stand to see myself in a picture.
Truth is I feel as though have never loved my body. And through a series of health trials I often feel like my body has failed me. This past year in spite of my best efforts my body has resisted many of my efforts to “lose weight” and this failure often haunts me and makes me resist buying clothes that I actually like to wear, because I feel like I don’t “deserve” them. And so…I continue to hide behind the camera and not actually hop in to the frame. It is safer there.
Fast forward a few weeks. Our family was preparing to head to an event. I again felt like I had “nothing to wear”. I was in such a funk I nearly said I wasn’t going. And then my kids came down the stairs. Dressed in their cutest clothes. They were so excited to go to the party as a family, and to be included. I saw in my daughter my feisty green eyes, and in my son my families classic nose and rosy cheeks. And I did something I hadn’t done in a long time. I said a silent prayer of gratitude for my BODY and the amazing blessing it is, and the miracle that it is every single day.
And out of respect for myself and respect for my children I did something I swore I would never do. I put on a pair of bigger pants. A size I never wanted to be. And something magical happened. I could breathe. My shirt fit comfortably over the waist line and I felt….beautiful and I felt strong and I didn’t feel like I needed to hide behind the camera any more.
To All The Mamas
Buy The Pants. And Get in the Picture.
And so…to all the mamas. The mamas just like me who have birthed two beautiful babies. The mamas who do their best to take care of themselves every day and still have at least one meal on the go, and squeeze in workouts during nap time. To the mamas who have hid behind the camera for too long. Do something for me will ya, go buy a pair of bigger pants. A pair you don’t have to squeeze in to. A pair you can feel comfortable in. And Wear them.
There will be time to figure yourself out. But for today, seize the day. This tiny moment in time when your babies are only this way for a little while. Get in the picture, because one day they won’t care what you looked like that day at the beach, they will only care that you were THERE! That you splashed in the waves and chased the seagulls. They won’t care that you were in a size 10 when you wish you were a 6. They will only care that you were present for that special moment soaking it all in right beside them.
To the Mamas. Buy the Pants. Wear The Pants. And give yourself a little grace. You’ve got this.