Let me first start out by saying I am very grateful that COVID-19 has not physically impacted my family. We have been very lucky in that I work permanently from home in the midst of all this chaos, and my husband although struggling with being unemployed, has found gratitude in the fact that he is able to spend time with our two-year-old son as we grapple with the realities of isolation, quarantine, phased openings, and everything in between. When I say that COVID-19 impacted my family planning, I specifically mean our plan to have another child, which during this time has been put on hold.
I am a huge planner, always have been. Everything I have ever done has been calculated and strategized, and although I know that is not the healthiest way of living (trust me I try to be care-free, but it’s a struggle), it is what helps me feel comfortable as I take the lead in setting up the conversations about what we want out of our married and family life. My husband, the care-free one, goes with the flow. He knows what he wants and vocalizes it but also allows me the freedom to plan, because he knows that is what keeps me sane and less likely to have anxiety-ridden breakdowns (one of his best qualities). That’s why when it came to conversations about having other children after our first-born he let me have the reigns on when and how long after we should wait. We have always wanted more, at least one more so our son has a sibling and someone that he will always have as a life-long friend, but the question has always been on when and what makes us feel most ready? Almost three years have passed since our son was born. The first year after he was born we wanted to wait because we wanted to be settled—somewhere deep inside of us we knew that moving was a possibility with my work, so we waited. We moved right before my son’s second birthday and I settled into my new role at work and home as did my husband. We were making great strides with money coming in, a routine put in place, an abundance of peace and familiarity finally falling over us. We talked about starting to “try” after the first of the new year this year, but that time came and went while we concentrated on paying bills, establishing a better therapy and socialization schedule for my son with global delays, etc. Basically, as it tends to do, life happened.
Then March hit, and with that COVID-19 became the word we would despise the most for the time being. My husband got laid off from a temporary job that we had been praying would be eventually permanent. My roles in my work switched and I devoted my time to figuring that out and what that meant to me longterm. My son’s routine was uprooted as he had finally finally settled in to seeing other children at an MDO program and suddenly found himself not even able to see his favorite babysitters. We settled into isolation scared of what was going on and preparing to keep ourselves safe. We felt grateful for being able to be together. and all these months later we still are as we go through the motions of a pandemic and civil unrest. Yet, a deep longing stays inside of me as I realize that our “plan to try” has been on a semi-permanent hold. I know that many around me have successfully had children during this trying time and I celebrate them an pray silently to myself when I see their photos that they will stay OK and safe and that this time will not be as stressful for them, because motherhood is hard, and I can only imagine even harder during a global crisis. It seems as if it can be done, but my anxiety gets the best of me, and as I approach thirty-two in just two months I can feel that longing for another child grow stronger.
Maybe we can do it, maybe life is just meant to happen.
This phrase is what keeps me up at night. I love being a mother, I love seeing my husband be a father, and although we want to ensure we are completely ready to love another financially, I know we are already there spiritually and wholeheartedly. Maybe what our family needs is a little miracle, another reminder that the world can be good and that all hope is not lost. How can you know for sure?
