“Dear Parents,” An Email from Your Child’s Teacher

Dear Parents of the Grade Obsessed Middle School or High School Child, 

Every year you entrust your precious child into the care of teachers who will spend almost as much time with them as you do. You will start off the year excited for what they will learn and hope all your child’s teachers will be passionate, caring, and knowledgeable as they begin their instructional year. You may give your child’s new teacher gifts, you may send emails thanking them for all they do and wishing them a great school year. It all starts out with smiles, and then the hard stuff comes. 

A project is due. A paper is due. That first test grade rolls in. Your child didn’t make an A  and you immediately begin to panic. Your first instinct might be: what is wrong with the teacher!? Why would he/she assign this? Did they not explain to my child how to do this? Now, I know at this point you would then talk yourself out of your immediate judgment of the teacher and begin to calm down. You would then likely ask your child some questions to get clarification, but they won’t offer much useful information. Your anxiety will return and you might get your phone out to begin typing that email to the teacher. You might send an email something like this:

Ms. Smith, 

My daughter got her test back and we are not happy with her grade. What can she do to bring up her grade?

Sincerely, Stressed Parent

If this mirrors something you MIGHT do, I urge you to try something different and see how it plays out: let your kid fight their own battle. 

I know what you are thinking: how can she be so callous? She calls herself a teacher? Where does she work, I need to report this kind of insensitive advice! Well, if you are still reading… hear me out.

First, let me say that most teachers are truly kind and caring, they want to see your child grow academically and personally. Teachers don’t get a bonus when kids make low or failing grades. I always tell my students exactly this, “Grades don’t matter, they are just feedback.” I never want my students to feel they are defined by a number. I want them to know they need to take that feedback and use it to determine what they need to do in the future to get the feedback they want to see. Kids always balk when I say this and reply,  “But my parents are gonna kill me! I have to make all A’s!” Here is the deal: not everyone can make an A, and even if a kid can make an A, not all their work is A worthy all the time. This is either because they did not give it their best or maybe they were truly challenged by the assignment. Students need to be challenged, which means they should not always be making As. If a child is struggling to make an A, parents often worry rather than let their child experience that struggle and earn what they deserve, either because of ability or level of effort.  It is a hard truth that teachers can never truly be open about with parents without sounding like the callous person you probably think I am now. And making an A is not the determining factor of a good student. MOST of my hardest working and smartest students have been solid B or C students. In fact, the world’s most successful people have been C students! Sound crazy? Not according to Forbes . 

Here’s the thing, when students experience a sense of failure or disappointment they are more likely to realize they have to step up their game. However, when parents fight those battles for their kiddos, a couple of things happen. 

One, teachers are put in a very, very challenging predicament. Do we change the grade to placate the parents when the student did not earn the grade? Do we spend our time creating a new assignment for the child to earn more points to bring up a grade? That is a very time consuming and sometimes unfair compromise. Do we stand our ground because we truly feel that is the fair and just thing only to appear unreasonable? All the smiles and words of support offered at the beginning of the year turn to glares and parent teacher trust is now broken. 

This also denies your child the opportunity to take ownership of their own work. If they are unhappy with their grade, they certainly should advocate for themselves. They will hate this and argue, “But mom, I don’t know what to say!” Here is a golden opportunity for parents and teachers to be an awesome team! 

When parents talk to their kiddos about HOW to fight their own battles it TEACHES them something more valuable than I can ever teach them in a classroom. It arms them with the social skills needed to be successful when life gets tough! Arm them with the words to say to appropriately plead their case and let them advocate on their own behalf. 

In the meantime, you can draft a very different type of email:

Ms. Smith, 

My daughter is not pleased with her grade. We are working on teaching her to advocate for herself.  She will be coming to see you after school and will talk to you about it. She is rather nervous, but I want her to feel confident advocating for herself. I also prepared her to accept whatever decision you make and any feedback you provide. She is responsible for her grades and progress, and we trust your judgment. 

Sincerely, Confident Parent

 

This email alerts the teacher to be prepared to engage with a student who may be nervous, who is clearly taking ownership in their academic progress. During conversations like this the teacher can usually explain directly to the student WHY they did not make the grade they may have wanted. HOW to do better in the future. And  MAYBE a chance to bring their grade up, but maybe not. The student gets a chance to practice communicating their own thoughts on the matter, they have to overcome nerves, and oftentimes they have to learn to accept a decision they may not like. And ALL of those things are far more important than algebraic equations, expository essays, and especially more valuable than any grade they will ever earn. 

These types of conversations can help a teacher learn much more about their students than they can in a 50 minute class period. This opportunity would be totally missed if you had fought that battle for them. Instead, you armed them with the skills necessary to advocate for himself/herself, emphasized the importance of ownership in their work, and prepared them to accept decisions they may not like. This experience mirrors much of adulthood, but rather than throwing them into it, parents and teachers can work as a team to support students learning valuable skills. 

Sincerely, Teacher Who Loves Teaching